A little like a Lion, a little like a Lamb…

8 Jan

I’ve often wondered at the duality of my own self, and specifically explore that in my character development when I write, especially my main characters.  One personality quirk I  have often considered interesting is the ability to feel a bit like a lion and a bit like a lamb, all at the same time.

For example:  Someone brings me news that threatens my position at my job.  I become enraged, I want to roar and yell, tear at the offender with my claws and demand from them exactly how dare they threaten me so.  At the same time, there is a part of me that trembles, wonders, what did I do, why are they angry at me, how have I offended them, how can I correct this so I can continue at this position?  Clear as mud?  I thought so. ;)

Actually, I’m pretty sure you’re getting my point.  We, as humans, are so capable of such an array of emotions and so capable of experiencing that array in such a quick succession that it feels a little like Crazy, doesn’t it?

So what’s the line between that and Crazy?

What’s to keep that quick succession between reason and rage, dare and doubt, from becoming bipolarity or mania?

The only answer I can truly find is: Extremes.  The literal amount of extreme between the opposites and the swiftness it takes to get there.  So what about my topic?

Doesn’t that make each of us a little bit bipolar every time we’re faced with a crucial or stressful reaction?  A good doctor or psychiatrist would say “no”, I think.  Some might say “yes” to argue an abstract, but I think the truth of it would be that we need that polarity in order to maintain our balanced decisions and reactions in everyday life.  We also need them to happen so very quickly – the blink of an eye or the firing of a synapse – so that possibly inappropriate reaction can be tempered before it gets out.

So perhaps bipolarity is extreme and not quite as fast as normal.  Perhaps it takes the filters off, as a friend of mine calls it.  Maybe, in it’s extremism, it surpasses the filter that tells it “this is too much”, bypasses the opposite for a bit and heads directly to the expression highway until the opposite reaction manifests.

Now, here’s the trick:  have you ever felt that polar shift?  Inside?  Have you ever been in the middle of a complete rant and felt as if you just fell off your rocker, hit the floor and everything inside just jostled a bit to the other side?  I have.  It’s like watching yourself in a movie, something that’s pre-recorded and you’re just an observer.  You try to change the channel, yell at the screen from the inside, derail the wreck before it happens, but it just keeps going.

It’s pretty damned scary, and being able to sit back and look at it abstractly, observantly, is the only way I’ve been able to keep myself sane about it.  It doesn’t happen anymore and I think that’s partly why.  I’ve been able to train myself to see when I’m “shifting” into unreasonability and if I don’t catch it, I have a close friend that sees it and warns me.  I take a moment and sort of…well, meditate would be a good word for it.  Another way to put it would be a Mental Restart.  I clear my head, take a deep breath, remove emotion if I can, and work on something else for a bit.  I come back to the situation later when I can be reasonable about it.  It doesn’t always work and it doesn’t work for just anyone, but it works for me.

And I think it gives me the ability to really think about what goes on inside a character’s head when I write.

In fact, this kind of duality or shift was one of the reasons I think I started writing.  It was a way for me to explore the human condition without involving anyone else and completely for my own pleasure of mind.  Lucky for me, others seem to like it.  ;)

Now, all the above being said, I’m working on ideas of how much I want to build up this site to include information on my writing.  Would any of you, my 8 readers (yay!) like to see anything special?  I’ve provided links, aside, and some information in blog posts, but I’m thinking about a page devoted to updates and synopses of my open projects (of which there are a copious amount).  What do you think?  Or do you even give a hoot? ;)

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