Wardrobe Malfunctions

Armadaverse – and I think my favorite TF crackfic that I’ve written.



“Well, well, if it isn’t my old nemesis, Optimus Prime.” Megatron stood up on a cliff above the ravine where the Autobots had started searching for the newly located Minicon.

Optimus looked up at the Decepticon leader with an odd look. “Megatron? Um, of course. Who else did you expect?”

Megatron chuckled and jumped down the twenty feet to be level with him. “Certainly not the Good Humor man.”

Optimus tucked his chin warily. “Who?”

“Nevermind. I caught Cyclonus and Demolishor watching earthling television. But that’s not your concern.”


Megatron stood still. Which was unusual. “Well?”

Was he waiting for something? “Well, what?”

“Aren’t you going to give me some pointless lecture about Minicons and their right to be free and peaceful?”

Despite the fact that he’d anticipated and recited exactly what he’d intended on doing, Optimus couldn’t help but rejoin with, “Have you ever listened?”

Megatron just stood there and smiled. “No.”

This was very…unusually inactive of Megatron. “Are you going to now?”

He shook his head, still grinning. “Not if I can help it.”

Okay… “So what’s the point in repeating myself?”

“Moot, Prime. Moot.”

Uh huh. Well, if he wanted to play that way, Optimus was game. “So I guess that leaves us with only one thing to do.”

The flare of light in his crimson optics was interesting. “You mean, other than fight for the Minicon?”

If he didn’t want to fight, then maybe… “Yes. Actually, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”

He was still grinning and that look was making Optimus…itch to do this. “Always? As long as we’ve known each other, this could be interesting.”

Optimus shrugged. Megatron had asked for it. He reached forward and pressed down the center lever on Megatron’s chest. He heard a clinking of little gears and latches on Megatron’s interior right before he backed up in shock.

“You didn’t!”

His armor fell completely off. All his weaponry, armor…all that was left was his purple, gray and green frame and his antennae.

“Wow.” Optimus looked around at his crew to make sure someone else saw this. He actually looked better without the treads, but the fusion cannon…he kind of missed that…

Hotshot was the first to recover. “Don’t look at me, I was expecting toast.”

He felt his lips twitch behind his battle mask. Red Alert was stifling laughter behind his hand and Smokescreen just started guffawing in the background, slapping his knees. Jetfire flew a little closer to see what the laughter was about and almost fell out of the air once he started laughing.

“Geez, Optimus, if that was all it took, you should have pressed it sooner!”

Megatron looked about to spit nails. Which would have been his only defense at that moment. “Shut up! Shut up, all of you!”

Optimus couldn’t help but tease. “You don’t look so bad, Megatron. The tank turret never really looked right on you anyway.”

“What?” He looked shocked. Optimus grinned.

Demolishor peeked over the ridge. “Megatron! What happened to your armor!”

Megatron actually stomped his foot, much like one of the kids when they didn’t get their way. “Don’t just stand there, you idiot! Do something!”

Starscream flew in and landed a few feet away. “Like what? Optimus doesn’t have a lever like you do.”

“Oh, for Primus’ sake. Do I have to do everything myself?” He started for some of the pieces, fitting them back on painstakingly slow. Hotshot darted forward and stole a piece that seemed to be necessary to reattach the fusion cannon. “I’ll tear you apart, you little slagger!”

Hotshot laughed and tossed the piece through Megatron’s antlers to Jetfire. “I don’t know that you could catch me, Megatron, you’ve dropped all your guns.”

“Tidalwave…can’t combine…”

Megatron looked up at the flying buffoon. “Of course not, you imbecile. Am I surrounded by incompetents?”

Starscream looked ready to split a weld line with laughing so hard. “Sir, you may wish to order a retreat.”

“Not without my armor, you stupid seeker!” He’d collected everything but the last piece that Jetfire was playing keep away with Smokescreen.

Optimus couldn’t help it, he gave in to giggling fits of laughter. The situation was really too absurd for words. Who’d have thought such a simple thing as a lever could cause so much trouble?

“Oh you’re laughing, now, eh? Well, let’s see how funny you find this!” He reached forward and pulled on the big handlebar at Optimus’ midsection. It came away with a zip line unrolling out of his interior. Oh no he didn’t. Megatron just kept pulling and pulling, stepping away as he needed to until the entire line was pulled taut.

Oh, Primus, that felt good. He felt the trembling of the line build the greatest tension he’d ever felt. He moaned, “Unh…”

“Oh, really?” Megatron smirked and looked at the line, then at Optimus’ face again. Slag, he figured it out. With an evil grin he was really too good at, he released the pull cord and it whipped back into Optimus with a frenzy unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

It vibrated his frame, recoiling into his midsection with a building heat and…and…

“Slaggit! Unh! Oh, Primus!” He collapsed on the ground, trembling and writhing in the throes of the biggest overload ever. The handlebar cracked back in place with a satisfying clank and Optimus just lay on the ground, twitching.

No one was laughing, now.

Megatron strolled up to Optimus and leaned over, very close. “I’ll have to remember that one.”


With a maniacal chuckle, Megatron collected his armor and ordered a retreat.

Red Alert approached Optimus after the last Decepticon warped away. “I swear, sir, I never told anyone.”

He took a deep breath and developed speech. “I don’t think he knew, Red Alert. It’s okay.”

He and Jetfire helped Optimus to his feet. Hotshot kept staring at the handlebar with a transfixed look.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“What! No! I’m not! I mean, I won’t! I mean…” He looks down at his own button in the same location, then at the others. He finally settles his blue optics on Red Alert. “Can I have one of those?”


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